Losing a Baby

Well this is awkward and slightly embarrassing. And frankly, for the first time in well, ever, I've found something that I don't really want to talk about. (So if I see you and I don't seem too chatty, don't take it personally. :)

I guess that's why most people recommend waiting until after the first trimester or so to tell 200 of their *closest* friends on Facebook the good news. Quite honestly, I'd rather not have to write about this on my blog but since it's all out there already, I feel like I should.

Part of the reason I told so many people is I didn't really think it would happen to me. Does anyone? I also thought, If we do miscarry, then I'll have a lot of support. But the truth is, I'm not looking forward to talking about it to a lot of people. Because really, I'm fine. I'm sad, deflated and most of the time not really sure what to feel, but fine nonetheless.

I remember being very young when I first heard the word "miscarriage." My mom told me that one of my extended family members had had a miscarriage. I remember her being very upset about it and I didn't really understand why.

As I got older I realized, of course, that it is a big deal. And even more, when I had friends who'd had miscarriages it really hit home. The second you find out you're going to have a baby, you start planning, dreaming and imagining what that child will be like.

It is very sad. And even though I wasn't that far along--only 8 weeks or so--it still hurts.

I've asked myself the normal questions. (I'm assuming they're normal.) Like, I wonder what the baby would've looked like? Was it a boy or girl? What was his/her personality like?

And then...Was it something I did? Was I not eating right? Should I have been more careful? What if I ....? The list goes on.

We'll never know the reason this side of Heaven. But I do know that God has a plan and that all things work together for good to those that love Him. (Romans 8:28)

I'm not saying it was God's will, but for some reason, He allowed it to happen. And there's tremendous peace in my heart, knowing that at the end of the day, our gracious Lord is in control.

We have two healthy, beautiful girls and if that's all the Lord allows us to have, I'm fine with that. I'm learning to be content in all things (Phil 4:11). Of course, we'll take each day as it comes and maybe there are more children in our future.

But for now, I'm going to hold the children I do have a little tighter and tell them how much I love them just a few more times.